Dizzy. Out of it. That's how today feels...and it's not even halfway done yet.
It's noon on a random Thursday in November and today is the day that I decided cutting back transitioned to quitting. I've had the Wellbutrin for a month now, and have been on it, off and on, for about that much time. No idea why today was the first nicotine-free day, but it is. Yesterday was supposed to be that day as well. Today I'm doing something different. Today I found this website and started this blog. I'm not certain that it's going to have much of an effect, but I like that I can get on here and say whatever I want...even the random brain droppings of someone who hasn't had any nicotine for the last, however many hours. Well, my last pinch was last night at 9pm, so it's been 15 hours. Wow, only 15 hours since the last time I had one, and I'm thinking about not much else right now. I'm certain that these words aren't making incredible sense, but I'm just trying to do anything I can to stave off the monster for today. Just today. If I can make it through today, I'll have one tomorrow. That can be the new mantra. I'll have one tomorrow if I can make it through today.
I do keep bargaining with myself. One little one... I'll only leave it in for 5 minutes. Go bum a single cigarette from the neighbor. No worries there.
I need to go to the post office and store, but don't want to be in my truck because of the trigger that driving is. Plus, the general feeling of not being able to pay attention to anything around me is telling me to stay off the road for a while. A nap is probably better...but what do we need to calm us down before a nap? That's right. A small pinch. I know that doesn't make any damn sense, that I need a stimulant to get some rest, but that's the way life has been for a LONG time.
I started dipping in college, and smoked in high school before that. I grew up around smokers, so I didn't think about any of the health effects then, and to be honest, I'm not thinking about any of the health effects now. There are some things that scare the shit out of me. My jaw muscles ache from TMJ that may or may not be aggravated by the clenching I do when trying to stave off a craving. Not gonna go into excruciating detail on the loveliness that is going to the bathroom, but suffice it to say it's a negative experience. Also, I have constant indigestion (heartburn) from the excess stomach acid that's not being constantly swallowed up by the ingestion of a constant river of tobacco juice. That one was unexpected. Quitting would cause heartburn. WTF?!? There were times when I ingested so much nicotine that it caused heartburn, but that wasn't a problem last week when I was still going strong. Now I quit and get heartburn? Awesome. The dizziness and lack of ability to concentrate and/or construct blog posts of any meaning was something expected. Detox is fun. My wife, trying to be the helpful nurse that she is, tried to make it better by saying, "It makes sense. Normally you're constantly drinking or swallowing tobacco juice that your stomach would be kicking out more digestive fluids that normal, and your esophagus would be numbed by the nicotine in that tobacco so maybe you wouldn't have felt it." I thought I was having a minor heart attack, headache, and lockjaw episode all at once, but if my wife says that there's some logic to the symptoms, I'm good. I love that woman, and I appreciate that she's supportive of my trials getting through this without ever having been the one to force me to quit.
That last sentence I originally wrote "try to quit" instead of just "quit". The fact I went back and corrected it makes me happy. The fact that I want to celebrate with a quick little pinch lets me know this is going to suck. But, I'm reading my ass off of HOF speeches and blog entries and everything else to keep my mind on the prize. Just gotta get through today.