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Triggers Everywhere...

Fish76

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Day 2

 

I know that the nicotine still hasn't fully exited my body. It hasn't had enough time. I've put almost 30 years of nicotine in me, it's gonna take a bit to go. In the meantime, having minute-by-minute reminders of what I used to use as an excuse to have a pinch is SUPER fun. Sitting at the desk. Having a phone call that I know is going to be slow and uneventful. Going to get more coffee. Eating. Breathing. It seems that everything around me is trying to get me to cave. The guys on the "Shout Box" have helped a ton. I've read a lot of HOF speeches today. Just trying to keep making it for just a few more hours. Get through today.

 

I like being able to go through and look at other entries from other quit groups and speeches. It helps cut through the fog. I can't seem to concentrate on much today, and thoughts are fleeting at best. My wife is doing her best to be supportive, but I really don't want to hear from anyone today. I love her to death, but I really just want to keep reading stories from people who've been through it successfully before me. I truly just want a nap. ^_^ It would help things, I believe. I would certainly have an easy time getting through that hour. No cravings to speak of while sleeping.

 

The sooner I can get through the confusion stage the better off I'll be. Last night I woke up several times with two overwhelming feelings. 1) I already have cancer and it's too late. and 2) We need a dip! I know those things are counterintuitive. I know it doesn't make any damn sense. I have a nurse for a wife and she's providing a whole host of reasons why my body feels the way it does. I've not spit much over the last couple years dipping (mostly to hide the habit), so my stomach has produced more juice to deal with the dip I've swallowed. Now that I'm not doing that, I have pretty consistent indigestion. It's a perk. Next, I'm lightheaded all the damn time. Dizzy/unfocused/unconcentratable 😀 I like making up words. I've put my body in a state where the stimulant of nicotine constricted all my vessels. It's part of how nicotine causes high blood pressure. Well, when you set the stage for a new homeostasis where you're running on enough dip to choke a rhino, when you cut off the supply, the bottom kind of just drops out. My resting heart rate last night was 48. At 6'5", it's a concern. Headrushes to the point of temporary blindness when the ground is quite a long way away are things I'd like to avoid. Hoping to get past the withdrawal phase sooner rather than later. It'll be nice to be able to concentrate again.

 

I'm so all over the place, it's taken over an hour to write this. I keep drifting. I don't mind, I know this is all part of it. I've only quit once before in all my years dipping. I was in Afghanistan and we ran out. Pretty simple. The thing is that we were still smoking cigars pretty regularly, so the nic bitch was still fully getting a piggy back ride. In retrospect, I've never actually given an attempt to quit an honest try. There was always some bait and switch. Either nicotine replacement with patches or gum replaced my habit with dip. Or I would give up dipping to change over to smoking cigarettes or cigars (or both). But hey, I wasn't dipping, right? I effectively quit dipping. Yay me! The problem with that is when you can't smoke cigars/cigarettes (on a road trip with the kids) or you can't really justify the expense of nicotine gum any more, a tin is just what the doctor ordered. "I'm not falling off the wagon. I'm not dipping again full time. It's just for this trip..." The truth is that I never got on the wagon. I would argue that I never even been close enough to the wagon to smell it, much less fall off it. At best, I moved around the periphery of the wagon where I felt different. I felt better about myself because I thought that because I couldn't see the last location I stood, relative to the wagon, from my current position. That had to be better than where I was. I've thought about this a lot over the last day and a half...just trying to figure out why this time it feels different. The withdrawals are worse than anything I've ever felt, but I've not replaced any of the missing nicotine. That's the biggest thing. This is the first "real" try to quit. Hopefully this is the last.

 

To finish the original thought, there are times I'm so paranoid that I'm convinced, with all the weird feelings/symptoms I have, that I already have cancer. Other times, I'm surprisingly calm. I scan the inside of my mouth with a flashlight in the bathroom mirror trying to prove my diagnosis one way or the other. No words, just a quickening of the heart before making a mental note to talk to my doctor about it at my physical. Maybe sooner if I freak out more. Hard to say. The problem with all of that is I, a part of me at least, feels that one little pinch would make it all better. I can't get past that break in logic. I pride myself on my intellect, or my misperception of having one, and I just can't explain how this makes sense. I get scared that I have a cancer caused by something that, if I would only break down and ingest again, would cure cancer and make everything better? It's an argument my body feels good about, if I could only get my brain on board... I'm committed to not breaking down. To seeing this through. I just hope the fog lifts soon. The nonsensical can't remain entertaining for long...it'll ask me to justify some bad choices. Here's to staying committed.



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