Reading stories from others, perusing the HOF speeches, and looking at all the information the site has to offer both inspired and strengthened my quit. There's no doubt that this site is reason my quit is successful. Writing this blog has also helped, in a way, to get my own thoughts down just so they don't cloud my mind. By writing them out, I get them out of my head and published to the only people who could possibly understand. It was also a form of coping with the withdrawal.
I've only missed roll twice in the 26 days I've quit, and one was due to being on a plane (which you can also read about) and the other was for getting distracted over the Thanksgiving holiday. On that day, I typed up my roll and then didn't hit "Post" before I got called away by the family to help with the "everything that goes with Thanksgiving" thing that was going on in my kitchen. I've been pretty good other than that. I'm amazed at the supporters that surf all of the Quit Groups and post encouraging messages even though they're 1000, 1400, or 2000 days in. It's an amazing thing to keep coming back to the site where they gained their freedom from the can to give others the strength to do the same. I can truly appreciate what they're doing. It helps my own quit. However, I'm not that dedicated an individual it seems. Sometimes I get busy. It's a lame-ass excuse, but it's all I got.
My intent when starting this blog was to have a daily entry to capture the thought process about whatever a reforming dipper thinks about as they're going through the withdrawal of a lifetime. I started out daily. Moved onto taking a week break between entries. Now I hope to just continue to take the time to record whenever I have a thought related to the quitting process. I had one of those today and I thought I'd share.
I've got two kids in middle school. They have a dad volunteer program. I signed up last year for a day for each kid, and have done the same this year. Today was my day with my 8th grader. I'll interject here that I was always one of those dippers who could hide it. Small sized pinch in the back of the left side of my very square and prominent jaw...no spitter required and the bump of the dip just disappeared into my face. I could run with one in. Drive cross-country with the family. Whatever was needed where I had to hide the fact that I was dipping while I absolutely needed to be dipping. Who's going to try to go the entire day surrounded by 1200 middle schoolers without a pinch of "Calmness In A Can"??? Not this guy! Anyway, last year I spent the entire day with a dip in for both days I volunteered. Nobody knew...or at least nobody said anything. Either way, I was fine with the way it turned out. Today, I had a several micro-cravings during the day spent shadowing my son around. Just things that reminded me of my experience last year made me want a dip this year. Things that were experienced with a small pinch of Skoal Long Cut Straight last year deserved an anniversary celebrated the same way, right? Science experiments in his lab class? That had dip with it last year...why not now? Because I'm quit now. I have been for 26 days. Then I would say to myself, "26 days is a hell of a good-looking number. That's awesome. Don't want to ruin the streak." and then the micro-craving would be gone.
That's what they've evolved into, for me at least. Micro-cravings. Things that last a second or two and then fleet away as soon as I give them a name. Dealing with the cravings has gotten to be pretty routine, and pretty easy. And that's the problem. I find myself more and more thinking that I could have a quick dip (less than 30 minutes) as a reward for my quit-ness and then get right back on the quit train. You know...using tobacco as it was originally intended. All things in moderation and good thoughts like that... It's in the middle of rationalizations like this when I realize that it's never going to be easy. I can totally empathize with the guys that have been quit for 3 fucking years that still get on here every couple days or so and post in shout box or get on other quit group sites as supporters. I think I'll forever be one of those tobacco addicts who even after 10 years of quit will be one pinch away from a can-a-day habit. That's what this drug is for me. It's a never yielding bitch that changes tactics to hit you where you're weakest. The cravings to get easier, the catch is that you have to be more vigilant to fight off the subtle craves than the killers at first. They're both hard to handle, and you can't get to the micros without getting past the beginning. God bless everyone on this site trying to fight their own stage of maintaining their quit. I'm not saying that I will be one of the guys posting daily with 3k quit days under my belt, but I respect the struggle and the guys that are winning it daily, no matter whether they have 3 hours or 3 days or 3 years.
That's the call to arms that resonates with me. Just win it daily. ODAAT.