It's Day 2 and I'm blown away by how crummy I feel and how I got here. Let's just say that I have no "happy place" right now. It would seem that 32 years ago, when I was working shoveling horse pooh at a local barn, that little pitch of "hey try this kid," wouldn't still be haunting me. I was only 11, but it was the cool thing to do down at the stables. Then I decided to buy some off the other kids hanging around the stable. Apple brick it was. Pretty lousy stuff, but man did I look cool. I started buying it at Revco with my pooh shoveling cash. They and UST were very happy with my money. Hawken was next, then Skoal, and then I became the coolest kid when I switched over to Cope while at church camp (kinda funny). Man what a great buzz Cope delivered. The hooks were so deep now, but I didn't care because I didn't know that I was truly hooked!
Well now I care and have cared over and over, but I've committed to myself this time vs others. I committed that this stupid little can will not dictate me anymore. I will stop at any corner store now (not just the one that always has the best date), I will not apologize to my two sons for "eating dirt" as we call it, I will not freak out if I finish my can before I go to sleep, I will not carry empty cans through security check-in so I can be secretive when I dip on the plane, I will not care if I have that window seat which helps hide it, I will not have to sneak away at my in-laws house, I will not have to do all if this and other stupid behaviors ever again.......
I will not give up! The tobacco companies owe all of us an apology and some big fat checks. 365 days x 32 years x 1.5 cans per day average x $5ish average over the years = about $90,000 without adding interest, add on the dental work, commanded behavior, health risks, and how hacked off this makes me. These guys knew that hooking us as kids was a win for them and a huge loss for us. I'm really mad at them and at me for not being tough enough to beat that nicotine knife.
The only good thing right now is that I feel better about myself and know my boys can tell how bad this stuff is. I doubt they will ever try nicotine and I pray they don't.
Man a dip would be great right about now........ It ain't gonna happen though!