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groundpounder

Quitting for today

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So here it is. Four or five legit quit attempts using this site over close to ten years. Some success, some years of being quit, and failures repeating over and over. I've never done a hall of fame speech, in all of those quits, and I'm not sure why... But its owed.

 

I acknowledge up front how easily words in the face of this addiction can be hollow. And so, as I say these words, I acknowledge that this Hall of Fame speech is only for today. After all, I've said a lot of words on this site over the years about never going back, how I've got this, and in the end they've been lies. Good intentions hollowed out by reality, by addiction.

 

The error and lie of just one dip, or smoke, or whatever. The humiliating experience of eating my words, my intentions and my integrity and getting sucked back into slavery to nicotine is a familiar one...

 

As an example, here are two old posts from myself in failed quit attempts from years past. Note the earnest certainty that I would never go back. I wasn't lying to myself, I was being completely genuine and real. The fact that I went back to dip multiple times after posting and being so darn sure that I never would I think, highlights the danger that this enemy and addiction provides.

 

Groundpounder, snapback said: "So here it is, getting close to 3 weeks and feeling upset, disappointed, a little scared and more than a little angry. Why? Because, yeah, quitting chew sucks, it hasn't been fun. But it also hasn't been impossible, the days are coming one after the other. The suck, isn't any fun, but you get through it a crave at a time, a day at a time. And on the other side. I've got a family that I love, a life that for the most part I really cherish and enjoy!! So.. . Why have I been such a pussy, why have I risked my health, my life, the quality of life for my family over putting some horsecrap in my lip? Over paying to put cancer causing crap in my mouth?? How selfish of me. I read the death letter today on this sight and it fazed me... Imagine sitting with your loved ones at your hospital bed, dying early prematurely because of our selfish addiction... Imagine missing the joy of grandkids, getting older with people you love, all of that, because of a cancer that you gave yourself through your weakness. It makes me sick. It hurts to look at how weak I am, and have been for so long. And... Pathetically, I've been here before. I've made it 2 years, and to 16 days at least 2 other times in the last 4 years. How EFFING STUPID am I? This is the last time. I am fed up with it, my weakness, my selfishness. The disappointment in my wifes eyes, the questioning looks from my 4 year old son. Spitting through the lid of a coffee cup in meetings. Eye rolls and looks of pity, disgust and amusement from co-workers. What a freaking joke. And now on top of that anybody else noticing weird things about their mouth now? Sores or tingling, or tongue numbness coming and going? Feel the panic setting in? What if it's too late? why am I freaking out? Anyone else browsing websites for signs of cancer? Funny in 15 years of chewing, I sure didn't think to much or to long about it. Eff you copenhagen. Eff you weakness. No dip today."

 

QUIT FAILED SOME MONTHS LATER.

 

Year later: QUOTE (groundpounder) "Couple of things to share. There was a point last Friday where I was drinking at our company x-mas party, lots of chewers there. More than a couple people still chewing in their 60's. And I observed a few things from my quitting mind.

1) Wow, those poor bastards are still chewing in their 60s, still slaves to the can.

2) How much money have they spent on chew? How effed up are their gums and teeth? (I know how effed up mine are at 33 years old and 17 years of chewing., it's not good (but they look and feel better now after a month of not chewing!!).

3) Holy crap their breath smells bad.

4) I wonder if I could have one?

5) Nah.. I don't do that crap anymore, and there is no way it is worth coming back to this group and starting over at day 1.

 

I've so far had 2 dip mares, where I dreamed that I caved, and it felt like crap. A big part of it feeling like crap was that I'd have to come in here and admit it. Another part is that I've caved plenty of times before and all that I ever got out of it was self loathing. My wife said to me, "wow, honey looks like you are really sticking with it this time. Good job and keep it up! Thank you." And it felt good. It feels good to have integrity. To be a man of your word, with you guys in this group, with my family and to myself. I don't chew anymore, and won't chew again." *QUIT FAILED SOME MONTHS LATER

 

----Back to present day. Well... Here I am, getting close to forty now, two kids growing up, 20 years of dipping under my belt. Asking the question, what is going to be different this time? I'm back up over 200 days of quit and feeling great, feeling certain (as I have before). The craves are few and far between and not so strong and I feel like, "hell yeah I've got this, I'm confident, my mouth feels good, I'm standing straighter, my self confidence is up, and... I know I'm one dip away from a can a day...

 

So really, What will be different? What is different this time? Anything at all??? Sure, I can go back and analyze the reasons for this quit but they are basically the same as before, probably the same as many of yours but with minor differences in flavor. My son catching me with horror, fear and disgust, begging me to stop. People at work openly disgusted if/when they knew, saddened by my hypocritical nature. . My wife had given up on the battle after years of lies, just looked at me in judgment and sadness. My gums and lips were in poor shape and who knows the status of my arteries and heart (can't be great after 20 years of mainlining adrenaline, nasty carcinogens and fatty acids into my bloodstream every couple hours). The self loathing, check. The extra drinking to make the chew taste good, check. Staying up late so I could chew more, check. Waking up pissed off until I chewed, check. Horrible first month of quitting where I almost went insane and got divorced, check. So What is different this time?

 

Well... NOTHING!!! I have to just own the fact that I am a complete and bloody addict. That my mind is working even now at 200 days to figure out how to start again and that my addict mind will never stop. I must accept that all of the important parts of myself, of who I think I am and all of the people who care about me want me to stay free from nicotine, and that those facts, don't really mean anything in the face of nicotine... I must stay close to the site. And, when I drift from the site, I must remain engaged to coming back over and over again. Quitting one day at a time. See, the thing is NOTHING is different!!! I still want to quit and I'm still an addict and that is exactly the point.. What I have learned over the years is that I can quit for today. I know that there are no craves that will be harder than what I've already beaten back, and I have this quitting thing down, but only for this moment, for today. I accept that if I don't quit for this moment and for today, then the nic-bitch is working on her way back to dominance and control in my life. And for me, that's the driver, not the health issues, my family or my work. The control... I dont want an effing plant to rule my world, my choices or my life. And as great as I think I am, if I don't quit for one day at a time, a little measly plant can dominate my life, and I now accept that. I accept that I can't have one.

 

So, my conclusion is basically the same as all the rest of these badass quitters who know what freedom is. I own my addiction. I quit for today. It gets easier and harder and easier. I quit for today. I have control and freedom of my life. Through quitting, I experience openings into growth and change in other areas and my life improves. I like myself more. Quitting is doable. Quitting is worth all of the effort. Quitting is worth all the pain. And so I quit for today. GP-203

Edited by groundpounder
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