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chuck1973

The affair is over

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In the 5th grade I tried my first skoal bandit. After that I was pinching a dip of skoal from my buddys older brother from time to time in middle school. As far as I remember, I began to dip on a regular basis around age 17. By the time I got to college it was a can a day of Kodiak. I can remember dipping with my mouth piece in during football practice and pitching it on the sidelines at the end of practice as we ran sprints…unbelievable.

 

I married a wonderful girl after college that I dated all thru school who thought it was a disgusting habit,…..so I began to go under ground with my vice and became a ninja dipper. I never dipped around others unless they were dippers like me and was masterful at the art of concealment. Over the 19 years of marriage I have gone years at a time with my wife believing that I was quit even though I was chewing a can a day. Countless well intentioned quits that lasted for days or maybe a week at a time, only to find my car parked in front of a 7-11 going in to buy “1 last can and then I would quit for good” My wife would find an empty can, a spit cup, traces of chew in my car and I would tell her that I slipped up…so I just became better at going underground and covering my addiction…I was a ninja addict. Always having to “run errands” while on vacation or on the weekends so I could sit in a parking lot and selfishly stick that shit in my grill. What a fraud and shameful liar I had become. I am a great father to my children and husband to my wife in most ways but I have not been honest with the one person who has committed her self to me. This secret I have hid for decades has made it become second nature to lie, we lie as a self -preservation technique. Countless times of telling her that I wasn’t addicted (didn’t want to let her know how weak I really was), and just needed a stress reliever has caused distrust with her in my ability to be honest…rightfully so by her. My secretary has worked for me for 13 years and she has no idea that I dip because I keep my door shut while dipping all day. Quitting is as much for me confronting my issues of the character flaw I have developed over my life as it is to save my life from cancer.

 

We always think it cant happen to us, I have gotten sores and lumps over the years…quit for a week scared to death that I had cancer then only to have the lump go away and start dipping again. Earlier this year I stumbled across the QS site while researching signs of mouth cancer. I spent a few days on the site… at times in tears reading stories of men fighting the same fight. How am I to tell my children to conquer their fears, do the right thing, always tell the truth, be transparent with your life if their own father cannot do the same. Hypocrite. On the outside to others I'm looked at as this big tough guy but on the inside I've secretly been a slave to the grips of tobacco and too afraid to stick to what it takes to conquer it. How we handle this battle (and it is a battle) will define us in our own hearts because only we know if we have laid it all out on the line and given our absolute best effort....and this is one of the biggest battles we will ever fight. At the end of the day, nicotine is not our opponent....we are.

 

For those of you that are not quit yet and are reading on this site, you can beat this! For the men that have committed to this new life after dip….keep charging. Dip will not cure our problems, make anything better, make life more enjoyable or help us get thru a tough time. It’s all a great lie that we some how believe in our addiction.

 

My journey has really just begun and this is finally it for me. PERIOD, No more failed quits. The new reality with out tobacco in my life is a sweet one. No more lying, hiding and slavery that has consumed me for more than half my life. Thank you to all the men on this site who fight the fight daily. Thank you Dufd for calling my ass out this summer when I got stuck in the quicksand again. Thank you CraigMac, you never miss a roll call, you’re always the first one to post and so positive. One day at a time, this is it…. Good bye forever to tobacco road. I AM DONE, this affair is over. Fight hard today my friends.

 

Quitting together--

 

Chuck1973

Edited by chuck1973
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