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Day 3 and living the "Big Suck"

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Headcase

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So day 3 and I'm still in a fog, can't focus, bored and overall miserable. Just about what I recalled from the last time I quit. The fog has lifted enough for me to do some back checking of my previous quit. As I stated before, I started when I was 18 in college and had that sense of invincibility. I was pretty much a full time Copenhagen addict. I went through the stages of hidding it from my family and I always slipped, they found out, we yelled, I promised to give it up but never did. In May of 2002 after 22 years of feeding my addiction I finally tried to quit for the first time. I found this site (which looked nothing like this at the time), hooked up with my start group and made it to the HOF. I even wrote a HOF speach.

 

It was 2007 and I had stayed "quit" for almost 5 years! Using rough math I figure I was 1,750 dats quit. I thought I was in the clear, but the Nic Bitch was always hanging in the shadows just waiting. I had a bad incident that got me stressed and angry and I let my defenses down for maybe an hour. In that hour, I wasn't looking forward to a 3 hour car ride home alone. As I was preparing for my ride I passed a gas station and what did I see? In my raged state I saw the Nic Bitch wearing a bikini standing on the curb holding a sign saying she wanted me back. Like a fool I stopped and put my money on the counter and escorted her into my car for the ride home. When I got home I left her in the car for the night and hoped she'd be gone by the time I went off to work the next day. But when I went back to my car that next morning she was still there looking hotter than ever and I caved again and then again and again... My affair with the Nic Bitch was soon discovered by my wife and family, we yelled, but as before she was eventually tolerated in the home. Why I decided to throw that Bitch out of my life again on 1/18/2012 is a story for another post.

 

I went back to my HOF speach to see what I said. Nothing special and like all the others. However, I said one thing in my HOF rambling which will be my beacon guiding me out of my addiction.

 

"I am a better father, husband, and friend since quitting. I no longer run off to be by myself to feed my addiction."

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