These past few years have been one cluster fuck after another, but this year has by far been the worst. On top of it all I am trying to quit something that keeps calling to me, telling me that everything will be alright and that it can help ease my pain. These past few weeks have been rough, and I either haven't had the opportunity to get get on here or were too lazy to get on here. Due to a shortage in manpower at work it has been crazy. Things are starting to settle down, but now the problems in my marriage that have been mute for alittle while are coming back with a vengenance. I've had saving graces though. Yes, there was on day where I held someone else's open can in my hand and just stared at it, only to come to my senses and close it. Then there was the time that I was ready to give in, and saw the image I use as my avatar here stuck to the backglass of someone's truck. And I can't forget the coworkers I have that have been quit for many years, telling me I can do it. I haven't been logging in or posting roll, but I have been fighting. And now it is all on the edge again. My marriage is everything to me, it is my exsistance. It is still on the edge, and I'm beginning to feel like it can't be saved. I have people from here giving me their numbers, reaching out to me to try and save me. But I can't talk to anyone. I feel guilty because I can't say that I'm strong enough to do this. Truth is I am very weak due to my circumstances. Even as I am typing this I am wanting to give in and pissed at myself for wanting to give in. I'm not asking for permission to give in, I'm trying to vent so I can breathe. EVERYTHING is one mountain after another, when can I catch a damn break??????? I'm actually contemplating seeing a doctor and asking for anti-depressants so that maybe I won't care as much anymore if everything falls apart. At least then I would be able to quit and not hear the little voice claiming that a dip is the cure all. Where is the deserted island when you need it? No stores or daily life problems? Just you, the coconuts, and miles of ocean. At this point I'd rather go insane from that than my current situation. Goodnight ya'll, see you at roll.