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FightBack last won the day on June 8 2016

FightBack had the most liked content!

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About FightBack

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  • Birthday 07/05/1955

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  1. Yo!  Get back in the game!

  2. I want to live. I don't want to die from mouth cancer.
  3. “Kindness Before you know what kindness really is you must lose things, feel the future dissolve in a moment like salt in a weakened broth. What you held in your hand, what you counted and carefully saved, all this must go so you know how desolate the landscape can be between the regions of kindness. How you ride and ride thinking the bus will never stop, the passengers eating maize and chicken will stare out the window forever. Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness, you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho lies dead by the side of the road. You must see how this could be you, how he too was someone who journeyed through the night with plans and the simple breath that kept him alive. Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. You must wake up with sorrow. You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrows and you see the size of the cloth. Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, only kindness that ties your shoes and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread, only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say It is I you have been looking for, and then goes with you everywhere like a shadow or a friend. Colombia” ― Naomi Shihab Nye, Words Under the Words: Selected Poems Thank you Judo, D Bob and TR1960 for your encouragement!
  4. Hello, my name is FightBack and I have failed miserably on this site for years. Serial Caver ... I hate that name, but I guess that's what I am. I'm sitting here at my computer once again, wishing to join back up with a quit group ... wishing for the umpteenth million freakin time that I will quit - that I'll have the guts do it. My wife doesn't think I can do it. My friends don't think I can do it. But right now, I do. And I'll tell you why - because right now I'm "drunk" on nicotine. Everything is clickin in this addicted brain of mine. I'm in the "GO" mode. However past experience tells me that by tomorrow morning, I'll be a completely different person. My biggest problem is that I don't think I will ever feel normal again.... the anger, irritability, fogged mind, inertia is relentless. The reason that I've never stayed quit is because I've always wimped out before ... cracked under the pressure I've never really stuck it out long enough. It's been a constant torment for at least the last 30 years - both during the times I was quit and during the times I continued to chew. Why am I saying all this? Because I want pitied? Because I think I'm more addicted than anyone else? No, it's because I'm freakin exasperated trying this so often and failing. I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm ashamed and desperate to quit and stay quit. Having said all that, I know deep in my soul, if I would just man up and go the distance, without any reservations, I could beat it and become a free man. FightBack
  5. FightBack

    The Ride

    WOW. Thank God you survived. I think maybe God still needs you around here to continue your mission of helping and saving lifes and families. Judging from your Damage Assessment list - you must have been/be in one hell of a lot of pain! Wish for you a speedy recovery, FightBack PEOPLE! PLEASE - LOOK TWICE - SAVE A LIFE!
  6. Awaken the Sleeping Giant within yourself...the one that hates snuff.

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Shogun


      Why the hate FC? Why the hate?

    3. Uxbridge


      Only FC is allowed to quit her quit...no one else on this site is.

    4. Phil


      Shogun, some quitters (myself included) have something to prove. We have to show people that we are willing to take advice and get this thing right.

  7. Welcome back Kenny - glad you re-upped. Hopefully for good this time. I'm back AGAIN myself.

  8. "I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan

  9. Glad your back! Dude -- never quit quitting. I went 20 and had a big 2 day fail, and now I'm on 15. Honestly I don't think the cravings will ever go away u just have to hate that nicotine for owning you like it does. I am still going for 100- one day at a time. You can do it too -- stick it out.

  10. Saw you post day 2. Come on back!

  11. THE GRATEFUL POINT OF VIEW Count your blessings instead of your crosses; Count your gains instead of your losses. Count your joys instead of your woes; Count your friends instead of your foes. Count your smiles instead of your tears; Count your courage instead of your fears. Count your full years instead of your lean; Count your kind deeds instead of your mean. Count your health instead of your wealth; Count on God instead of your yourself. -Author Unkown
  12. ur the man kenny...i look forward to your posts every morning when i log on...lets keep er going brother!

  13. Following is some wisdom that I heard - in one form or another - from a couple of the old-timers on this site which bears repeating: Always. It is stupid and futile to cave, because no matter how you try to justify it - you will ALWAYS regret it, ALWAYS wish you hadn't done it and ALWAYS want to come back to this site again. You are just letting yourself fall all the way back down to the bottom of the mountain - that you worked so damn hard to climb up. Even if you choose to never come back to this site after caving or even stop trying to quit - You will ALWAYS look up from your pit of agony and dispair and say - I should have just stayed quit - should have just made it thru that one day ... ALWAYS Kenny S.
  14. When Will It Be Enough? I guess I was about 17 (1972) when I started smoking cigarettes and chewing a little snuff here and there. My mom and dad had split up that year and we kids ended up living with my dad. Dad smoked and drank and I joined right in with him. But I was in pretty good shape then, and didn't like the idea of cigarettes taking away my "wind". So at age 22 (1977) I decided to quit smoking and choose the "safe alternative": chewing snuff. (ha ha) I really believed I could get my nicotine fix without having to worry about getting cancer. I thought it was really difficult quitting cigarettes at the time and I was so proud of myself when I kicked that habit. Friends and family congratulated me on quitting smoking. The fact that I was chewing tobacco didn't count. So began my long addiction to snuff. After I switched over to just snuff , I eventually increased from one can every 2 or 3 days to 2 cans of snuff (copenhagen) a day. Over the years, I started hearing some bad and scary news about the dangers of mouth cancer, throat cancer, etc., associated with smokeless tobacco, but my addiction just kept rolling over me - like a steamroller, squashing any objections or thoughts I had of quitting. At age 29 (1984) I quit drinking by the grace of God and the fellowship of AA. I thought it would be great to be completely "clean", so I tried to quit snuff shortly after that but only made it about 10 months. I rationalized it was OK to use tobacco since I had quit drinking. I mean you gotta have something - some vice - right? Then came the event that would make anybody swear off tobacco forever. After much, much suffering my own father, a heavy smoker, died from lung cancer on Oct 18th, 1988. (I was just 33 years old and he was only 57.) I was devastated. And I was very angry at the tobacco companies and disgusted with myself for continuing to use a substance that killed my dad. About a week after he died, I got a huge ulcer in the back in my throat, about the size of a quarter. I thought for certain it was cancer. I went to an oral surgeon to have it checked. He said it wasn't cancerous but that I had better stop chewing tobacco immediately. I dropped to my knees right then and there and half crying/half laughing I thanked God and swore I'd never chew again. So you're probably thinking I quit right then and there. Right? Well yes, but I only lasted a day or two. I was the executor of my fathers estate. That coupled with the stress of his death just seemed too overwhelming. My anxiety and fears about chewing continued on over the years ... just about every hour of everyday I would think about quitting. I made hundreds of entries into my journal in the evenings swearing off snuff. I knew all the reasons to quit, all the quit strategies, all the little motivating quotes, (many of which I authored myself over the years), to inspire me to quit. I wrote not only to myself but to God - pleading with him for the strength to quit and stay quit. There wasn't a day that went by in the last 25 years that I wasn't tormented by knowing I could get mouth cancer and wanting to be free of this addiction. About 5 years ago, I was surfing the net looking for help to quit chewing, when I came across this site that had Hall of Fame Speeches posted from guys that had made it 100 days without snuff. I read a bunch of those speeches and marveled to myself. WOW!!! How can these guys go 100 days cold turkey!? They must be a special breed of men (supermen). I was really impressed but told myself I could never do that. So I didn't even try. That is, not until last May. I decided at age 54 time was running out for me. My dad had died at age 57 from cancer and I sure as hell didn't want to die the same way. Especially from a diease that was preventable by me - if I would only face up to this monster addiction. I joined the QSSN Mayhemers group on Feb 2nd, 2010. I would like to say the rest is history ... I quit and lived happily ever after. But that's not what happened. Despite all the help I could ask for, I barely made it to 101 days, then caved. Hind sight is 20-20. Looking back, I know what I did wrong. I never let go absolutely. I was still using self talk like: I hope I can stay quit and I hope I never chew again and WORST of all lying to myself saying I can have just one - once in awhile, ie. during hunting and fishing, on the weekends, or after work in the evening by the fireplace in my rocking chair - Yeah right. I had been there -tried that - countless times before. That was total, unadulterated bullshit! Fast forward to May 6th, 2010. After 4 or 5 attempts earlier this year, I finally got anchored in the August 2010 Hall of Heroes group. Thanks to those guys and the Good Lord I'm still here and I'm not going away! I am still getting monster craves - especially really bad in the evenings. However, just in this short time I've been quit, I've been experiencing some highs (good feelings) that I haven't felt in years. I really believe that tobacco/nicotine masks, inhibits, dulls alot of our feelings and senses. Now it's like I have an enhanced awareness and appreciation for everything, especially the outdoors. It's like a rebirth of my senses. I believe the Old Timers when they say it will get better. Just don't put a timeline on it. It took me about 6 months to come "out of the fog" when I quit drinking and probably at least a year till I started feeling normal again. I used tobacco for a hell of alot longer than alcohol. So maybe it will take a couple more years till I feel free of it. Bring it on. I've surrendered to the fact that no matter what happens, I can't use tobacco and I've accepted I'm in this quit for the long haul - no matter how long it takes. Because I know, that I will never have peace in my mind or heart until I walk away from this addiction for good. I'm going to leave you with some thought strategies that have really made a difference for me this time around. No matter what happens today, tobacco is no longer an option for me. Don't dwell on snuff. Think about something positive. Get busy doing something/anything. Channel that strong crave energy into something good and constructive. Exercise/Go for lots of walks. Play your favorite music loudly and sing along with it loudly. Embrace craves, Melt them away with deep breaths. Make up a list of your own crave-killers and use them! especially on the weekends! Cigarettes, cigars etc are rattlesnakes - stay the hell away from them. They will take you down. KEY: Helping others on this site will solidify your quit - tenfold. I know in my gut that putting a chew in now would not make me feel better. It would make me feel like the most unhappy, frustrated, angry, disappointed man in the world. No matter how difficult or strong the craves are - it's worth it everyday to be free. Even if they last for the next 30 years - till they lay me in my grave - every battle will have been worth it. Copenhagen sucks!!!!! Get fired up. Stay fired up. Today. Every Damn day. Morning, afternoon and evening. Special thanks to Holden, Ksquared, Professor, Ohioman, Chip, Rob123, JimmyW, Penguin, TroutUno and others who never gave up on me - and all the Mayhemers and especially my fellow Hall of Heroes. I apologize if I missed anybody on this list. I know there are many others on here that have helped me as well. Also there are many inspiring articles on the home page and in the QSSN library. I could have never gotten this far without you all. Also thanks to Flavius Victor, the Moderators and all the people that contribute to make this site possible. It really does save lives. Enough. Kenny S.
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