Hey everyone - I'm beat and I can't keep doing the same thing over and over.
I took my first dip when an older cousin thought it would be funny to watch his 5 year old kid cousin puke. Mission accomplished, but no lesson learned. By the time I was 8 I was dipping at least a can a day. At 10 my world really turned upside down. Tobacco was only part of the story - hell, tobacco didn't even seem to be an issue with everything else I had running.
5 1/2 years ago, for the second time in my life, I reached a point where it was live or die. I was too chicken $*it to kill myself and had no clue how to live - I was 35 years old and my life seemed to have no meaning. That was when I was led into the rooms of another support group. Today, I know I'm an addict. Yep - no doubt about that. Kicking the booze and dope sucked, but the ongoing process has been worth it. Now it's time for the next evolution and it's scaring the hell out of me. I've felt this before, I've lived this before - it isn't any easier.
I've dipped, chewed, smoked (cigs, pipe, cigars) - used the strongest tobacco that I could find - for over 32 years now. The chew is gone; the smokes are gone...but my beloved dip remains. It was the first, so I guess it's only fitting that it's the last. I almost feel like that 8 year old kid again - back to the beginning to try it again. In the past 32 years, I was tobacco free one time (for 6 months) and I caved in. Today, with the help of a program of recovery, I know that one is too many and a thousand is never enough. Tobacco included.
OK - the head knows I'm screwed, I just got a dandy new partial after 13 tooth extractions, and my gums have receeded to the point that I have at least 6 more extractions in my future. This is the same insanity that drove me to the point of suicide - just packaged in a metal topped tin, instead of a glass jug or pill bottle. I couldn't quit the dope on my own, I can't quit the tobacco on my own...I've proven that to myself. I don't love tobacco, I've grown to hate it - it's using against my will all over again.
On 06 August I turn 41 years old. A birthday seems like a good day to get my life back from this crap. I don't know how active this site is, but I hope that someone reads this and responds...I'm going to need the help. Thanks for letting me vent.