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Latvian Jokes

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Latvian Jokes, only funny if read in Russian accent.

 

Two Latvian look at clouds. One see two potatoes. One see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.

 

What Potato say to other potato?
Joke silly, nobody have 2 potato.

 

Why Latvian man wear hat?
For to hide bread from family!

 

Q: How much potato to kill Latvian?
A: None.

 

One day, hear knock on door.
Man ask “Who is?”
“Is potato man, I come around to give free potato”
Man is very excite and opens door.
Is not potato man, is secret police.

 

Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.

 

Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.

 

Questioning: Why are chicken cross road?
Answering: I have not seen chicken since I was very young, on my parents’ farm. This is before the Cossacks slaughtered them. I can still hear screams of sister as soldiers rape her. But back to question, where did you see chicken? I am very, very hungry.

 

Latvian walk into bar with poodle under one arm and salami under other. Eat salami first.

 

How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
Only one. Obtain light bulb is hard part. You have potato?

 

How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

 

Three Latvian girl are walk down street. One have knife, one have gun, one have window. They are meet soldier. Soldier is ask first girl, “Why you are have knife?” “If you try rape me, I stab!” she say. Okay! Second girl, “Why you are have gun?” “If you try rape me, I shoot!” she say. Okay! Third girl, “Why you are have window?!?” “If you try rape me, I jump out!”

 

Latvian walk into bar and say, “I have not eaten for many days. One full beer will be too much for me. How much just maybe one shot beer?” Bartender say, “This is can do for you. Is two centimes.” Latvian say, “Oh. I was hoping it would be less. I do not have that much.”

 

How is get one-arm Latvian out of tree?

Is no one-arm Latvian! Why you silly? All go Center for Great Peaceful Physical Reassignment. You no ask.

 

Boy: But mother, I no are like grandma.
Mother: Eat anyway. Is no potato.

 

Latvian is rub lamp find genii. Genii say, “What is three wishes?” Latvian say, “I wish potato!” Then, POOF! Potato! Latvian so happy! “Oh! Is potato! Is potato!” say Latvian. Genii ask, “What is next wish?” Latvian is say, “I wish you go away so can enjoy potato!” POOF! Too bad. Also, was only lamp.

 

Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference?
Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!

 

Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “

 

Why six is afraid seven? Because seven have many friend politburo.

 

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.

 

Janis: I hope my son does not die during night.
Guntis: What is “hope”?
Janis: Yes. I know what you say.
Guntis: No. I am serious. What is hope?
Janis: In truth, I do not know.

 

A fishmonger says to a bootblack, “Are there any more potato left?” Bootblack says, “Yes, one. But it has gone bad.” The fishmonger says, “I am very hungry. I have not eaten for three days. I shall eat it, even if it makes me very ill.” And bootblack says, “I did not speak truth. In reality, there is no food left. You shall go hungry yet another day, my friend.”

 

Two Latvian look at sky. No have eyes.

 

Two Latvian look at sun. Is not sun, but nuclear reactor meltdown. Latvian happy because maybe now warm enough to plant potato.

 

Latvian comedian say “What deal with potato?”

Latvian crowd not laugh.

Comedian squint into darkness, to see audience.

There is no crowd, all die from malnourish.

 

Latvian #1: Knock knock

Latvian #2: Who there? I kid! I see you. We burn door for warming.

 

Latvian girl is say, “I want go America one day.” Father say, “I send you America.” Daughter is thank father. Make tears of happy. Father use for salty potato. Father think moment, say, “Daughter, I no send you America.” Potato is more salt.

 

Latvian man not see old neighbor for many days. He go into house to see how is. Neighbor frozen to death. Man very happy. Family eat well for many weeks now.

 

I go America. Hear childs sing… one potato… two potato… three potato… four… Is glorious America. Streets made from potato.

 

Latvian man walked through snow strom to get potato to feed family at market . Got potato then froze to death. then family sad. potato wasted.

 

Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! but TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.

 

 

 

 

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Once there was man walking down road between Liepāja and Valmiera. Man find potato on side of road, and is much rejoice!


But man is klever and having many wiles. Man shout "Oh glorious Politburo I am finding a potato for mother Latvia, like good Kommunist!" But no politburo appear.


Man pinch self hard. He is know many dream come from kold and malnourish. Potato still there, man is no hallucinate.


"Is happy day!" man cry out. But then man get hit by truck and is kill instantly. Such is life.


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Why does chikken cross road?

 

Is no chikken, only hallucinate from malnourish. Such is life.

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What is difference between Latvian life and Latvian joke?

 

One is of sad and malnourish, other is of sad and malnourish. Such is life.

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Children come to door last night for trick or treat, they dress as Politburo. "So scary!" brother Jakov yell and laugh.

 

but is no trick or treat, is real politiburo come take him to gulag.

 

 

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Latvian man go to village centre to make stone soup. Villagers have only more stones to add. Several chip teeth on rokk soup, many die of malnourish. Such is life.

 

 

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Two women standing, no have shoes on; one woman say "Rokk, Rokk" Other woman say, "No no no, joke start knock knock". Is no joke, muslims now come latvia, both women stoned to death for no wear bedsheets on head.

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