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scaredan

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together

and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a

mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the

auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,"I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot,

"why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the copilot protests,

"Chinese not bomb Peahl

Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't

matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!"

exclaims the captain, "It was an

iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no

mattah... all same!"

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A buddy of mine just got kicked off an online dating service. He answered a question wrong and was upset because that was the reason they kicked him off. This was the question, "What do you most like in a woman?" It seems that the answer "my cock" is not what they are looking for!

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A man went to see his doctor and was informed that he needed an operation. The man thought about that and then said, "I would like a second opinion." The doctor said, "Okay, you're ugly too."

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A men went to see his doctor and was informed that he needed an operation. The man thought about that and then said, "I would like a second opinion." The doctor said, "Okay, you're ugly too."

Is this a peersonal experience? LOL

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President Bush was informed at a press meeting that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq.

The President put his head down in his hands and took a moment to regain his composure.

He leaned over to his press secretary and whispered, "Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?"

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A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says, " I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack o' dem rubbers gonna cost me?

 

The pharmacist responds, "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

 

To which the redneck replies, "TACKS! Gawd a'mighty,...........don't they stay on by therself?

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Why Fishing is Better than Sex

#20 - Bait for Fishing is cheaper than dinner and a movie.

#19 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

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A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

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An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

 

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

 

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

 

The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're screwed."

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

 

The other missionary was incredulous, and said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're going to eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

 

The laughing missionary said, "I just peed in their soup!"

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If Copper invited me over for dinner I think I would decline. B)

 

 

Big Red

I would invite you to my favorite restaurant, but it would cost you an arm and a leg. ^_^

 

Don't blame me, HowDoUCope started it this morning.

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blood test

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?

 

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

 

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

 

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

 

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

 

The first one was astonished.

 

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

 

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

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blonde getting a haircut

A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.

 

the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".

 

after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"

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A gay man was telling his lover that he had AIDS. When his partner asked if he was sure, the man replied, "I'm HIV positive!"

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"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

 

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine

March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

 

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

 

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

_______________________________________________________________________

 

LITTLE LADY! :

 

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say

"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping

her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

 

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the

soup."

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Support the Bush Library

 

Please consider a contribution to our President's new library with locations in Crawford, Texas and a satellite facility in Bagdad.

 

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. The Library will include:

 

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

 

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

 

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

 

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

 

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

 

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

 

The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling.

 

The "Tax Cut" Room with entry only to the wealthy.

 

The "Economy Room" which is in the toilet.

 

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

 

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.

 

The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

 

The Supremes Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

 

The 'Decider Room' complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

 

The museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

 

Admission: Republicans – free; Democrats -- $1000 or 3 Euros

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Police Monkey

A tourist visiting New York City walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a police officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked out with his monkey.

 

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

 

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expert in firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a month, and is certified in small unit tactics - well worth the money!"

 

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

 

"Oh, that one's a Patrol Sergeant monkey; it can instruct other monkeys in basic firearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physical training, small unit tactics, and investigative techniques, and it can even type.

All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

 

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

 

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Lieutenant."

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Sex on Mars

 

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

 

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

 

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

 

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian

 

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny weenie penis -about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

 

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen

 

''Why?" he asks, 'What's the matter?'

 

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

 

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

 

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...."

 

''No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his penis grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

 

"Wow!'"she exclaims, as they fell into bed and have crazy, mad sex.

 

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

 

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

 

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

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Sex on Mars

 

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

 

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

 

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

 

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian

 

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny weenie penis -about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

 

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen

 

''Why?" he asks, 'What's the matter?'

 

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

 

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

 

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...."

 

''No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his penis grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

 

"Wow!'"she exclaims, as they fell into bed and have crazy, mad sex.

 

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

 

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

 

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

LOL - good one, Daddy-O! B)

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