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All I know and remember is it was the fall of 1987 the first time I tried a dip and I did not stop until August 31, 2009. I did not stop for almost 22 years. Over the course of that time I had many failed (actually I would have to say half-hearted in retrospect) attempts to quit dipping. For example, when I graduated college, when I went to law school, when I got engaged, when I got married, passed the bar exam, the birth of my 3 children, and the list goes on and on. I tried quitting when my wife asked me to when oldest child was 2 and just before my middle child was born. Did not work. I simply became more ninja about the dipping and continued on (for example, only when driving alone; coming up with errands to run on almost a nightly basis so I could drive and dip; buying bacc off or smokey mountain, dumping the contents and putting in cope or grizzly so I could do it when driving with my wife or kids, etc.).


The true quitting process began for me about this time last year when I found this site. I joined the April 2009 HOF class (the unfockables) for only a couple days and washed out. I even got PMs from some of those guys and just ignored them or responded and said I was doing it on my own. I did not take the quit seriously yet. I had been slowly cutting back some over the summer of 2009 and finally decided I was going to give quitting a go again. Then, my wife smelled it on me and said she was going to search the car. I knew I was caught (again) because I had failed to take the can out of my car and stash it in the usual hiding place in my garage (a folded up third row seat from our old Suburban). I told my wife not to go out there and ultimately admitted I was still dipping (this was after promising in about May 2009 I was quitting). My wife at that point said “whatever we are doing about this is not working, and I cannot help you on my own.” If I did not call my parents and siblings (both of whom are doctors, one an ENT) then she was. I called everyone, and for the first time in 22 years admitted to myself, my wife and my family that I was completely and utterly addicted to nicotine and needed help.


That is what it took for me to really beat this thing on a daily basis for the past 127 days. I had to admit to myself that I was an addict; that my ass was being kicked by the tobacco leaf; and I needed help. Making the admission to my family was secondary to the need to admit to myself that I was addicted. I got back on this site and joined the DipCanners on August 31, 2009. The process absolutely sucked. There was nothing easy about the first 30 to 45 days or so. I had huge craves, rage, fog, sleeplessness, etc. I battled against craves by using tea bags where normally a dip would be (I still do this on long drives and when I get craves to this day). I acted like a complete dickhead to my wife and kids and picked fights and was just downright mean to them for a while. Then, it passed and it became easier. I cannot pinpoint a specific day in the last 127 that it happened but it did (and for anyone else reading this and in the process of quitting, it will).

I am proud that I have gone this far one day at a time and plan on continuing to wake up in the morning and make a promise to myself not to dip today. To all the DipCanners (the 7 or 8 of us who made it through to 100 days and the ones that joined but dropped out) and the supporters, I thank you. All of you have read rants and provided support without conditions. I would not have made it this far, without it.


tmaiberger - 01/05/2010

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